Clik here to view.
My Siblings & Me On Halloween, 1986 (I’m The Grey Mouse)
Oh Halloween,
Every autumn, my brain fills with memories of trick-or-treating, homemade costumes, spiced apple cider, haunted houses, and plastic pumpkins filled with candy. I come from a place where the whole neighborhood pitched in to make trick-or-treating super fun. I have always loved Halloween and costumes. But somewhere along the way it went from a carefree holiday about getting as much candy as possible to a stress-ridden competition about who can find the cleverest rationale for dressing like a male prostitute.
Gay world is a lot like Girl World. Like the American Female, Gay Homosexuals like to attend Halloween parties in teeny tiny outfits that show a lot of skin and give a slight nod to a cultural icon or popular movie character. Below are some examples of Gay Halloween costumes, juxtaposed against the original, more conservative versions. Also included are ten tips for making your costume sexy. And yes, by “sexy” I mean offensively revealing and slutty.
Rule #1: Make sure your costume is easily recognizable.
Here is what an upstanding person would wear if they dressed up as Mario and Luigi:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
If you’re a Gay Homosexual, find a way to make the costume sexy and provocative. Live a little! Nothing says iconic childhood video game character like leather gogo shorts, right?
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Rule #2: Rely on cultural stereotypes.
Here is a straight man dressed as a Scottish:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
And here is a Gay Homosexual dressed as a Scottish.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
(Sidenote: I cannot confirm the sexual preferences of the above models. But come on, look at those faces. First one has a raging case of StraightFace and the second one has major Gayface). And yes, I realize it’s “Scot” not “Scottish” but I thought Scottish was funnier.
For cultural stereotypes, also consider going as a Sexy Indian:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Rule #3: You can always count on costumes that reference “masc” professions.
Like a police man.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
What, you ask, is better than a cop? A sexy cop. Duh!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Here is how your typical dweeb dresses up as a sailor (no offense to the dweeb pictured):
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
And here is how a Homosexual Gay Eastern European dresses as a sailor:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Rule #4: Find a cherished cultural icon and ruin it for children forever.
Here is how this nerd dresses as Mickey Mouse, America’s most beloved rodent.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
But why wear all those clothes when you can look this sexy?
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
A fun tip for Gay Homosexuals is that as long as you have one prop (like gloves or a hat) you can get away with wearing just a speedo or underwear. That totally counts as a costume. I’m serious.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Oh Santa, who brings us presents at Christmas:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
And Gay Santa who is the present on Halloween:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Rule #5: If you can’t think of anything to be for Halloween, go with the basics.
Take, for example, this white dude dressed as a waiter:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Gay waiter costumes are like white person waiter costumes except with way less clothes and with way bigger muscles.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Rule #6: If you dress as someone poor or unsuccessful, make it sexy!
No one is going to want to hang out with you if you look like this gross convict.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
However, if you cut off half your costume you will definitely make friends.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Rule #7: You can never go wrong with anything sports-themed. Unless it’s one of those pansy sports like figure skating.
Here’s a greasy dude dressed like an American football player:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
And below is an even greasier Gay dressed as a football player. Even if he can’t throw a ball to save his life, his costume references sports. This is a good costume if you are looking to attract sporty masculine Gays who like masculine things like playing football and skipping down the street holding hands with other men.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Rule #8: Dress like a superhero. If you must wear pants, make sure you show off your giant biceps.
This is what a sensible person who doesn’t want to freeze to death wears to dress as Wolverine:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Let’s face it, Wolverine is a pretty Gay costume to begin with. The white tank top/muscle version is much sexier though. And for the Gays, if it’s Halloween and you’re not sexy you may as well stay at home alone. Eating a cake. Alone. By yourself. Alone.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Rule #8.5: The Ambiguously Gay Duo, while not totally relevant, is still a totally cute couples costume:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Rule #9: Guys like it when you dress up as something innocent (and naughty!).
For a Straight, an angel costume looks like this:
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
But that’s far too much coverage for a Gay Homosexual. For a Gay Angel costume, just get some enormous wings and tie a tiny handkerchief around your waist. This costume is also good because it practically writes its own come-on lines (“Did you fall from Heaven?” etc).
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Rule #10: Have fun! (But don’t eat anything).
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Straights Dudes, who attend Halloween parties fully clothed can afford to snack. Eat some candy corn! Grab a chip! Enjoy, Straights! Gay Male Homosexuals, however, should refrain from eating on Halloween. Because you are naked, it’s imperative that you drink liquids that dehydrate you whilst eating nothing. This will ensure that no unflattering pictures of you show up on Facebook. And let’s be honest, the real reason for Halloween is Facebook pictures where you look really hot.
Happy Halloween!
Love,
Orlando
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
